davidsdelicatessen.com

Hi, David here of Delicatessen fame. I’ve some bad news, I’m afraid. I regret to inform you that our food delivery service is being put on hold for the time being and I don’t know how likely it is that we’ll be able to start it up again.

I thought Anna was doing a great job, I must say. Every night, when she got back, there’d be tears of joy in her eyes and maybe the positive emotions were just too much for her, because unfortunately she had a little bit of a psychotic episode.

I’m sure we’ve lost one customer, but the state he’s in, I don’t think he’ll be eating much anyway, so no great loss.

Hi, Anna Natchoes here, David’s delivery girl. Well, I must say, deliveries are going really well. I thought that interest might wane after “stealth mode” was nipped in the bud, but that doesn’t appear to have been the case.

In fact, my delivery route has only grown longer and I must say, it’s all but unmanageable now. I’m really feeling the pressure. Sometimes David berates me for missing a couple of houses and the excruciating guilt I feel is a welcome reminder of how successful we are right now.

I’ve been to the doctor and he’s given me some anti-anxiety sweets to munch on. David asked me whether they taste like commercial  and financial success.

I said that they did.

Hi, David here. Just thought I’d better get on and make a formal apology on behalf of the deli regarding some of last week’s deliveries.

It seems like our delivery driver may have got slightly carried away as a result of the genuine enthusiasm she was feeling for her new job. This enthusiasm kind of spilled over into something else.

Now, I don’t mind if she wants to flirt with a couple of the customers. That’s between her and them. However, the addition of “stealth mode” meant this seemingly innocent customer interaction took on a darker turn and I know at least one customer has been receiving treatment since she made a delivery.

Anna Natchoes is still on the staff, for now, but we’re going to put “stealth mode” on the backburner for the time being. I would also advise all customers to refrain from turning their backs on her when accepting a delivery wherever possible. Just to be on the safe side.

Hi there, Anna Natchoes here again. I’ve had a cracking first week in the job and have already befriended several people on my regular delivery route. Those who didn’t react with horror when I suggested how we might take our friendship further I’m particularly fond of. The others, less so, but I’ll still try my best with them, because that’s the kind of girl I am.

If you’ve not yet taken advantage of the delivery service provided by the delicatessen, then I have an announcement that might finally sway you into signing up. We now have a new way to deliver delicious food. I call it “stealth mode”.

Hi there, I’m Anna Natchoes, I’m Martin’s step-sister and the new delivery girl for David’s Delicatessen. I have many years’ experience as a delivery girl, but I recently had to relinquish my job with Raw Meat To Yer Door after committing what the owner described as being “kind of like a slight rape, albeit not technically a crime”.

But, you know, these things happen (usually biannually) and all you can do is take the next opportunity, which, fortunately for me, popped up almost immediately here at David’s Delicatessen, thanks to my step-brother.

I’m really looking forward to taking delicious non-sweet, non-rude food to all the new customers. It’s always great to meet new people who perhaps aren’t as wary and on-edge as the old customers.

Okay, I’ll be honest, this is just a precautionary measure. Here at David’s Delicatessen, we’ve decided to stop selling anything that could ever sound faintly rude. We’re really on our guard trying to prevent any further physical misunderstandings, but we thought we should guard against verbal ones too.

As well as melons, the following foodstuffs will no longer be available

• Baps
• Wieners
• Any other kind of sausage
• Plums
• Bearded clams
• Iced fingers
• Chocolate treats
• All dishes featuring meat and two veg
• Purple-headed love truncheons

We apologise wholeheartedly for any disruption this change in policy may cause. We’ve even had to stop stocking Innocent smoothies after Martin Natchoes inadvertently made a lewd comment that hinted at a rather personal form of hair removal.

Okay, those of you who’ve been to the deli recently will have seen that Martin and myself are wearing different clothes. Some people have said it’s as a result of the misunderstanding with that young customer, but that’s not entirely true.

Our new all-in-one deli outfits are simply a hygiene measure. True, the gaps that occasionally appeared in the old uniforms did lead to a misunderstanding with one customer – a misunderstanding that later led to my own incarceration – but the real concern with them was health-related. Some things should be kept away from the food.

To reiterate, my parole officer is NOT insisting that I wear this uniform. It is a David’s Delicatessen company decision.

I’ve had a few customers in this week wondering why we’ve only got savoury food in at the moment. Well, I hate to tell you this, but that’s the new policy here at David’s Delicatessen. Savoury food only.

Why, you ask? Well, it’s kind of a condition of my parole. I mean, like I said previously, it was all just a bit of a misunderstanding really, but I think I’d better toe the line for now.

If my parole officer thinks that offering sweets might put me in a position where another misunderstanding with a young customer might arise, then I’d better steer clear of that. For the time being, you can expect to find foodstuffs to suit more mature tastebuds here. Hope that’s okay.

David here. I’ve just got back from a factfinding mission/misunderstanding/three week sentence in Strangeways prison and you should see the state of this place.

Not only is there custard EVERYWHERE, but I find that stocktaking has seemingly gone out of the window. I did a quick count this morning and instantly noticed that we were down 3.75 chickens.

How the hell do you lose 3.75 chickens? I asked Martin Natchoes and he blamed it on “the ghost phantom”. I asked him whether he was lying and he said that it was “an authentic, actual, genuine truth”.

I have my doubts. The ghost phantom has a sweet tooth if I remember rightly and nor can it eat food what with being an otherworldly apparition and all.

I know it doesn’t seem it, but a whole month has gone by and it’s time for me to hand the reigns of the wild beast that is cooking back to David. As a parting farewell gift, here are some instructions for a great meal that you should definitely for sure try:

1. Get 3.75 chickens
2. Get 2 fluid pounds of custard
3. Get an industrial blender with a funnel tube
4. Insert steps 1 and 2 into step 3. Stand at the end of the funnel tube, switch that shit on and open wide.

It goes down a treat and most definitely shouldn’t kill you.