Archive for August, 2011
August 31st, 2011 | 
Author: I know it doesn’t seem it, but a whole month has gone by and it’s time for me to hand the reigns of the wild beast that is cooking back to David. As a parting farewell gift, here are some instructions for a great meal that you should definitely for sure try:
- Get 3.75 chickens
- Get 2 fluid pounds of custard
- Get an industrial blender with a funnel tube
- Insert steps 1 and 2 into step 3. Stand at the end of the funnel tube, switch that shit on and open wide.
It goes down a treat and most definitely shouldn’t kill you.
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One of the biggest problems I find myself running into when trying to whip up some great nosh is the dilemma on how to cook water. There are several reasons why cooking water is a real hassle:
- First of all, it just won’t stay still – it just pours through the grill holes.
- Secondly, it acts as a fire putter-outer. I’ve even tried mixing a bit of oil and petrol in to make it flammable to no success.
I now have the perfect solution. Bear with me ’cause this is gonna sound a bit whacky, but you can actually put water INTO a vessel, such as a bowl, and heat that instead. I know you’re think “What!? You crazy bastard!” – just try it. I don’t know how or why, but it works.
Hi all, it’s me, Martin Natchoes here again. Some of you may have noticed that I’ve spelt natchoes strangely weird in today’s post. No, I’m not an idiot fool. I received loads of electronic mails after my previous post making me out to be some kind of fool, like I don’t know how to spell my own name, y’know? The worst of it is, the pig arse gits have hacked my computer’s internet web and made it so the spelling always shows as ‘nachos’. How stupid dumb do they think this brain is, y’know?
To keep the hordes of cretins happy, I’m going to do it the wrong way and use this wacky ‘nachos’ term. I was going to write about foods that taste good with ‘nachos’, but I’m too mad angry now. You’ll have to make do with this traditional dish:
- Steak and ale pie with custard-topped nachos.
This dish originated in1662, when the Ancient Egyptians were thought to have been given the recipe by extra terrestrials. Fact.
David’s away for the indeterminable future, so I’d like to take this opportunity to introduce you all to the guy who is going to take charge of things in this joint. Me. Martin Natchoes.
I’m going to jump in front of everyone right there and just say this; yes, my surname is identically the same as a common corn-based foodstuff. But y’know what? I’m proud of it – it, like me, has a proud Mexican heritage and I will not let anyone besmirch my home country, y’know?
Somebody once tried to tell me that my name is in fact not the same as the popular snack. I said to this idiot fool;
“Hey, fool. Learn to get a brain, y’know? Don’t tell me you’ve never had natchoes and dip before. Because you’d be lying. We both know that for a definite certainty”