Archive for September, 2011
September 29th, 2011 | 
Author: Okay, I’ll be honest, this is just a precautionary measure. Here at David’s Delicatessen, we’ve decided to stop selling anything that could ever sound faintly rude. We’re really on our guard trying to prevent any further physical misunderstandings, but we thought we should guard against verbal ones too.
As well as melons, the following foodstuffs will no longer be available
- Baps
- Wieners
- Any other kind of sausage
- Plums
- Bearded clams
- Iced fingers
- Chocolate treats
- All dishes featuring meat and two veg
- Purple-headed love truncheons
We apologise wholeheartedly for any disruption this change in policy may cause. We’ve even had to stop stocking Innocent smoothies after Martin Natchoes inadvertently made a lewd comment that hinted at a rather personal form of hair removal.
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Okay, those of you who’ve been to the deli recently will have seen that Martin and myself are wearing different clothes. Some people have said it’s as a result of the misunderstanding with that young customer, but that’s not entirely true.
Our new all-in-one deli outfits are simply a hygiene measure. True, the gaps that occasionally appeared in the old uniforms did lead to a misunderstanding with one customer – a misunderstanding that later led to my own incarceration – but the real concern with them was health-related. Some things should be kept away from the food.
To reiterate, my parole officer is NOT insisting that I wear this uniform. It is a David’s Delicatessen company decision.
I’ve had a few customers in this week wondering why we’ve only got savoury food in at the moment. Well, I hate to tell you this, but that’s the new policy here at David’s Delicatessen. Savoury food only.
Why, you ask? Well, it’s kind of a condition of my parole. I mean, like I said previously, it was all just a bit of a misunderstanding really, but I think I’d better toe the line for now.
If my parole officer thinks that offering sweets might put me in a position where another misunderstanding with a young customer might arise, then I’d better steer clear of that. For the time being, you can expect to find foodstuffs to suit more mature tastebuds here. Hope that’s okay.
David here. I’ve just got back from a factfinding mission/misunderstanding/three week sentence in Strangeways prison and you should see the state of this place.
Not only is there custard EVERYWHERE, but I find that stocktaking has seemingly gone out of the window. I did a quick count this morning and instantly noticed that we were down 3.75 chickens.
How the hell do you lose 3.75 chickens? I asked Martin Natchoes and he blamed it on “the ghost phantom”. I asked him whether he was lying and he said that it was “an authentic, actual, genuine truth”.
I have my doubts. The ghost phantom has a sweet tooth if I remember rightly and nor can it eat food what with being an otherworldly apparition and all.